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Your Coordinates, Sir!
Posted by Michael Strahan on Dec 10 2004
Holly,

Allow me to begin by thanking you for your respectful condemnation of everything I said.  I commend you for finding one of the most flattering ways of telling me I'm the most complete self-serving, egotistical jerk know-it-all you've never met.  Words cannot express my gratitude.  Thank you for thanking me.  We both deserve it.

Before I forget, here's a tip for getting that squirrel off your chest: Place a dish of corn nuts on the floor next to the couch.  Place a large platter full of seven-up next to the corn nuts.  Lay down on the couch, taking care not to alarm the squirrel, or he may bite something.  Get comfortable and go ahead and fall asleep.  When you awake, the corn nut dish will be empty, as will the seven-up.  The seven-up will cause the corn nuts to swell inside the squirrel, making him easy to locate.  An added benefit is that this method stretches the hide about 50 percent, adding considerably to the size of your rug mount.

How does 06038'13.96N, 15604'52.50"W on the Lake Clark C7 1:63,360 series USGS Topographic Quadrangle sound?  Walk 156 feet on a bearing of 288 degrees true north.  You'll see a large white spruce with an 18-inch vertical scar on the northeast side.  Sit beneath the scar, with your back against the tree, facing north.  There is a large male alpenglow-phase bull red squirrel that lives in the hollow cottonwood thirty yards to your right.  He emerges from a hole above the large branch on the southeast side of the cottonwood, fifteen feet from the ground, at approximately 15:33 hours every afternoon.  Wait until he chatters three times in your direction.  You'll think he saw you, but he's almost blind.  He's just asserting his dominance.  When he turns to chatter to the northeast, his front leg will move forward slightly, uncovering his vitals.  That's when you want to take your shot.  Shoot too early and you'll strike the heavy bone, and your shot will be deflected.  You'll be gratified to know that this particular animal is sporting a fine set of 1/4-inch horns with ivory tips.  He's an old boar, but don't underestimate his ferocity.  One slip on your part, and he's gonna take you down.  Be sure to pay up your insurance and update your will.  This area is part of the home range of the silver-grey squirrel that took the lives of a well-respected bear mimic and his girlfriend sometime last year.

Please note that this is a fly-out hunt only.  I cannot reveal my other locations near the downtown library, the park strip, or the little garden area next to the federal building, because I save these places for the folks who call me really bad names.  If we get to that point, I will be happy to share these areas with you as well.

Caliper?  I thought I said Calliope.  Of course you know what one of those is; it needs no introduction to a man of your intelligence.

I'm ever in your debt, Mr. Wreath.

Have a "Holly Jolly" Christmas,

-Mike

Previous: Purty Guns Michael Strahan Dec 11 2004
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