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Float Hunting Alaska's Wild Squirrels
Posted by Michael Strahan on Dec 10 2004
(Strahan steps to the podium, nearly tripping over his… what IS that? Is that the biggest ego you've ever seen? Score That, Boone and Crockett!)
"AHEM!" Papers ruffle… but they're not his. The audience is taking notes, but he speaks with none. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen," he pauses thoughtfully… and begins:
"I have waited an appropriate amount of time before dispensing my extensive knowledge of float hunting for squirrels. Not to worry, though, because I have arrived, and it will be all better now. I apologize for your having to wait an entire day for this information, however, my tardiness was actually an effort on my part to allow folks less adept at this sort of thing to share their limited understanding of the subject. So far, all we've received is a big fat zero, which is, I suppose, understandable, considering that I am here. People tend to feel intimidated around me; thinking they have nothing of value to share. But that is simply not true. Occasionally somebody comes through with a nugget of truth, and we should not disparage that. Anyway, my material is SO GOOD that people are usually faced with two choices: give up, or look stupid. In fact, I frequently find myself re-reading my own writings over and over again, simply for the pleasure of hearing my own voice, and thinking my own thoughts. Why, just reading that last sentence makes me want to dig through the archives for a couple of hours just for my own reading enjoyment. I'm told that people come here from all over the internet just to read my writings. I was recently told that I'm the most popular guy even on other websites. They gather together after reading my words of wisdom here, then get worked up into a salivating frenzy for more. It's so shameless it's almost embarrassing. Fame is a heavy burden indeed, but because of my personal greatness, I am able to bear things that would crush an ordinary man.
In another superlatively magnanimous gesture, I will, once again, dare to enter Earth's atmosphere in a descent into the realm of ordinary humans, to share my expertise once again. Here is a brief excerpt from Volume III, entitled, "Float Hunting for Alaska's Wild Squirrels: Float Hunt Tactics"
Before I share that excerpt, I should mention my debt of gratitude to a culture much older than our own; a people with whom I once walked as a child, free on the earth. Alas, their culture is now gone; but they left with me the legacy I now share with you: the secrets of hunting squirrels in the deep forests of long ago. Let us begin...
'Ilya i ná malta úmirilya, lá ilyë yantë ranya nar vanwë; i tulca enwinawë úquela, nurë sundar arahtier lá ringwenen.
Erinillon nárë núva coivana, cala lumbellon tuiuva; encarna núva macil i né rácina, i úrína4 ata núva aran. Or i nórë caita anda fuinë, númenna rahtala rámar morniëo. I Mindon rúca; i noirin aranion manar harta. I Qualinéri coivanë; an i lúmë utúlië I-vandaracindorin; Ondossë Erehtëo ata ortuvantë ar hlaruvar romba i ambossen nyélala. Manwa núva i romba? Man rahtuvat i tindómello sinda, i hehtanalië? I Aryon sëo yan i vanda ventanëntë. Formenello tuluváro, maurë tanuvas i tië: taruváro i Ando Tiënnar Qualinériva.'
As you can see, float hunting for Northern Red Squirrels is a dangerous and exacting task, requiring the strictest attention to the details of scent management and diurnal habits of the species. Pay particular attention to the section on the strategic placement of the cataraft in difficult shooting situations.
For those of you who do not understand the ancient elvish, I regret to say that an English translation is forthcoming but will not be ready for some time. Meanwhile, I trust that the rest of you found this brief excerpt both illuminating and inspiring. I know I did, and will continue to do so as I read and re-read it over again.
Feel free to submit your profoundest questions and I will, after allowing an appropriate interval for lesser minds to convene, endeavor to address them with deep wisdom, pithy sayings, and intellectual genius; astounding the greatest (though lesser) minds among us.
Now, good hunting, lads."
(Strahan exits the stage… the still silence is shattered by thunderous applause. His detractors, though few, are shamed to silence.)
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